Almost the beginning of my story...

I was at the tender age of 15. Having grown up in a house without a father and not really knowing where I belong and who I was, due to adoption, left me searching for the unknown. I longed for a family like the Huxtables' from the Cosby Show (of course I do realize now such a family only exists on television). I wanted the whole shabang, husband, wife and beautiful children, a family living together in great harmony, yes having differences, but working them out in a civil and loving way. So I met this guy, much older than me, with whom I was very much so impressed, because he was interested in me a young girl not even a woman yet. I was thinking what do I have to offer him that would make him like me for me?! I enjoyed the attention he gave me the showering of gifts and the financial stability that came with it...here was a "man" already established in life taking interest in me. Wow! I thought.

Now I'm thinking wow how stupid I was and how vulnerable and how much advantage he took of me as a "child" because that is all I was an insecure child looking for love in all the wrong places and well I was looking for a father figure as well even though I hate to admit that. But having come from a broken home I wanted someone to love me like a father loves his daughter.

Everything started off well, he would cook breakfast for me, take me on trips, pick me up from school, spend the weekend with me, call me on the regular, write me letters, buy me jewelry, flowers, candy, cards etc...he showered me with things and attention. Now one might ask since I was 15 years young what did my Mother say to all of this, didn't she object to such a relationship with a man that was 12 years older than me? Oh sure she did, but I was a defiant teenager and would not listen. My Mom cried many of nights and kept trying to counsel me but I wouldn't hear it. ("I'm sorry Mom I should have listened" and "thanks for sticking by me through it all").

I can't say I was in love; after all what does a 15 year old know about love? (Although I had met my first love before and he to this day holds a very special place in my heart); I was infatuated, swept off my feet by all this attention and again I had a longing for my own family and well this felt like it might just be it. Then one day things turned around for the worst. All over a lie that his roommate told, and the insecurities that come when you are an older man being with a much younger girl. Anyhow his roommate told him that we had sex although truth be told he approached me and I turned him down and because I didn't want to cause a strive between the two since they had to "bunk" together I never mentioned it thinking I'm going to be the bigger person by letting it slide.

What followed was my first beating, he choked me and repetitiously beat me on my head and punched me all over my body and kept choking me until someone walked in and pulled him off of me (well so I was told for I had passed out already). After I came to I asked what was wrong with him what da heck had gotten into him??? For at this point I didn't even know yet what I was accused of. He wouldn't say just kept saying I knew and not to play dumb he told me to get in the car and he took me home...on my way home I cried for several reasons, I didn't want this to be over yeah I know right as crazy as that sounds to me now it's true I still thought it couldn't get any better than this, I cried because I didn't know what happened, I cried out of fear of more beatings, he would beat me while driving because he was infuriated. Once he told me what was going on I was stuck on stupid on why he wouldn't ask me first but then (his old age and insecurity kicked in) the more I denied it the more furious he became and the beatings started again.

I wanted the beatings to stop so bad I would have done anything at this point, since denying it made things worst I thought (yeah stupid idea I know) that admitting to it might make it better since he was convinced that I've done it. OMG what did I do that for he pulled the car over and yanked me out of the car by my hair only to start beating on me again this time he even kicked me, I was scared I'd never be able to have children or even worst that I might not survive this night, I kept screaming and begging for him to stop, which he eventually did, I was trembling with fear and weakness from the beating I took. He told me to get back in the car and we went back instead of getting dropped off at home which at this point I didn't want to go home, I was ashamed to go home like this and for my Mom to see me with all of my dreams shattered and her "being right". My head was throbbing, my skin was bruised with huge welts all over, my hair was knotted my stomach was hurting I wanted to ball up and cry, but instead he wanted make up sex, to prove to him that it was "his".

Why I didn't leave him that night??? I don't know every bit of me told me to leave and never turn back, but I didn't and as you can imagine this was only the first time of many beatings to come.