WHY DOES HE DO THAT

WHY DOES HE DO THAT
Inside the Minds of Abusive and Controlling Men
by: Lundy Bancroft

In this book you can learn how to survive and leave an abusive relationship.
I recommend this book to you, not only does it give examples of how we as the victim try to change ourselves in order to please the abuser but it's also showing where we believe that we can make them better if we just try hard enough, you can read an overview of the first couple of pages on amazon. If you can't afford to buy it check it out at your local library and make sure that your abuser doesn't see you reading it so to not face repercussions. Remember you are a very strong individual, you can overcome this and move on to bigger and better things.

Apologies....

Do they (the abuser) really mean the apologies that follow after they have hurt you? Whether it is physically, mentally, verbally, emotionally, does the abuser feel remorse and really mean it? I think that they rationalize it all--if she wouldn't push me, if I wasn't so stressed from work, if she'd only do as I asked her to, I wouldn't do that to her, or it was an accident...I didn't mean to hit that hard, I forget my own strength sometimes...He is always sorry afterward and promises it would never happen again, yet it always did. To the outside world he portrait himself to be "Mr Right", women would gather around him like flocks. I was the one at fault, he was sorry he had to take such measures, but it was my fault. Do I believe that he ever felt sorry for any of the stuff that he did to me, NO I do not, I do not because he kept doing it over and over again. And over and over I got flowers and cards and tears and a million and one apologies only for him to turn around and do it again...it never stopped. If it is happening to you and it is your first time, DON'T believe the apologies they are lies to help build hope in you until the next time and the next and the next after that. Leave now while you still have a chance don't stay to subject yourself to more abuse when you don't have to, there is help for you just call a hot line and they can refer you to what you need.

Alabaster Box by CeCe Winans

I feel tremendously blessed by this song. And as we go through our day to day activities at work, in the store, Daycare, School wherever you may find yourself, stop and say a prayer for all of those women, children, men, elderly that are being abused right now and might not get to see the sunset tonight because they were killed by the hands of their abuser. I remember many times walking around with a smile on my face putting on a show for everyone like everything was alright when my inside was so broken and was screaming for help but fear would not let me receive it. Be kind to people around you you never know how much they might need to hear that word or that extended help you are giving. Let's be thoughtful and prayerful of others.

Almost the beginning of my story...

I was at the tender age of 15. Having grown up in a house without a father and not really knowing where I belong and who I was, due to adoption, left me searching for the unknown. I longed for a family like the Huxtables' from the Cosby Show (of course I do realize now such a family only exists on television). I wanted the whole shabang, husband, wife and beautiful children, a family living together in great harmony, yes having differences, but working them out in a civil and loving way. So I met this guy, much older than me, with whom I was very much so impressed, because he was interested in me a young girl not even a woman yet. I was thinking what do I have to offer him that would make him like me for me?! I enjoyed the attention he gave me the showering of gifts and the financial stability that came with it...here was a "man" already established in life taking interest in me. Wow! I thought.

Now I'm thinking wow how stupid I was and how vulnerable and how much advantage he took of me as a "child" because that is all I was an insecure child looking for love in all the wrong places and well I was looking for a father figure as well even though I hate to admit that. But having come from a broken home I wanted someone to love me like a father loves his daughter.

Everything started off well, he would cook breakfast for me, take me on trips, pick me up from school, spend the weekend with me, call me on the regular, write me letters, buy me jewelry, flowers, candy, cards etc...he showered me with things and attention. Now one might ask since I was 15 years young what did my Mother say to all of this, didn't she object to such a relationship with a man that was 12 years older than me? Oh sure she did, but I was a defiant teenager and would not listen. My Mom cried many of nights and kept trying to counsel me but I wouldn't hear it. ("I'm sorry Mom I should have listened" and "thanks for sticking by me through it all").

I can't say I was in love; after all what does a 15 year old know about love? (Although I had met my first love before and he to this day holds a very special place in my heart); I was infatuated, swept off my feet by all this attention and again I had a longing for my own family and well this felt like it might just be it. Then one day things turned around for the worst. All over a lie that his roommate told, and the insecurities that come when you are an older man being with a much younger girl. Anyhow his roommate told him that we had sex although truth be told he approached me and I turned him down and because I didn't want to cause a strive between the two since they had to "bunk" together I never mentioned it thinking I'm going to be the bigger person by letting it slide.

What followed was my first beating, he choked me and repetitiously beat me on my head and punched me all over my body and kept choking me until someone walked in and pulled him off of me (well so I was told for I had passed out already). After I came to I asked what was wrong with him what da heck had gotten into him??? For at this point I didn't even know yet what I was accused of. He wouldn't say just kept saying I knew and not to play dumb he told me to get in the car and he took me home...on my way home I cried for several reasons, I didn't want this to be over yeah I know right as crazy as that sounds to me now it's true I still thought it couldn't get any better than this, I cried because I didn't know what happened, I cried out of fear of more beatings, he would beat me while driving because he was infuriated. Once he told me what was going on I was stuck on stupid on why he wouldn't ask me first but then (his old age and insecurity kicked in) the more I denied it the more furious he became and the beatings started again.

I wanted the beatings to stop so bad I would have done anything at this point, since denying it made things worst I thought (yeah stupid idea I know) that admitting to it might make it better since he was convinced that I've done it. OMG what did I do that for he pulled the car over and yanked me out of the car by my hair only to start beating on me again this time he even kicked me, I was scared I'd never be able to have children or even worst that I might not survive this night, I kept screaming and begging for him to stop, which he eventually did, I was trembling with fear and weakness from the beating I took. He told me to get back in the car and we went back instead of getting dropped off at home which at this point I didn't want to go home, I was ashamed to go home like this and for my Mom to see me with all of my dreams shattered and her "being right". My head was throbbing, my skin was bruised with huge welts all over, my hair was knotted my stomach was hurting I wanted to ball up and cry, but instead he wanted make up sex, to prove to him that it was "his".

Why I didn't leave him that night??? I don't know every bit of me told me to leave and never turn back, but I didn't and as you can imagine this was only the first time of many beatings to come.

Taking some time!

So I'm not sure if I should start this blog at the end of my story and the beginning of "life" and living it to the fullest under the careful guidance of GOD or if I should start it at the very beginning of my bleak life that I was living for 6 years, or even still give you a glimpse of what my life is like now, so you can see what the good LORD brought me from. I'm sure it will take me a little longer to decide, there is so much inside of me that is just screaming to get out to share with the world, one for my own healing but also to give hope and courage to those that find themselves in an abusive relationship, to let them know there is help and you can overcome and get out. Leave before it is too late.

I hope this blog will help you on your way to recovery, and break free!